What not to do in a Fight

-Dress inappropriately for the fight: this comes from my eyewitness account where two very drunk men one a gingerbread man and the other giant banana began fighting after a night out which to be honest did take a lot of the tough guy image out of it but this is not how the police saw it as they tackled them to the ground. I would pay a lot of money to have a copy of the mug shots.

-Walking away whilst still being a dick: if you are the one provoking it and then realizing that you’d probably get beaten up you should just walk away quietly rather than shouting insults which contradict your actions such as seeing a man walk backwards arms spread wide ready for a fight still saying “come on then!” and seeing this continue for roughly 30 metres.

Don’t keep dancing: If someone feels that they’ve been wronged by you in someway and are intoxicated they’re probably going to start shouting at you the problem with this is that in clubs the music is exceedingly loud and so if you see a man with angry features mouthing angry words its best not to lean in and say “sorry mate I can’t hear you” and then carry on dancing next to him.  

People to avoid in Bars

I’m not saying that the drinking culture is a bad thing as I believe that it brings people together in a society which can at times suppress raw human feelings. But bars and pubs on the face of it are nonsensical where people gather to drink pint after pint of alcohol to intoxicate them beyond a reasonable doubt and then stagger around running through every possible human emotion one after the other in quick succession whilst mumbling lyrics to Queen. But for me this is what makes pubs and bars such a valued place in society as you truly get to see the human condition for all its faults and glory.

-Two clear drug addicts which we managed to calm down by talking about the differences between sashimi and sushi even though I thought this is possibly the most neutral conversation anyone could ever have when they spoke they would become angrier and angrier by the end of each sentence.

-A man with the word “Pikey” tattooed across the back of his neck a man who’s eyes completely glaze over when you reply to anything he says

-A man who for some reason everyone assumes is a fisherman even though nobody has ever had any reason for him to be apart from wearing all tweed who has never, possibly refuses to speak to me instead simply laughing every time he sees me which I have to say is doing nothing for my self esteem.

-A man who believed elephant and castle was called that because Genghis Kahn marched an elephant up to a castle, which was there.

-Beautiful Italian girl who commented on a friend of mine who has dreds calling him a Rasta man and in a drunken state I called her Fitler and from that point on it is the only way we have ever referred to her being both overwhelmed by her sheer beauty whilst appalled by her stance on race.  

-A man who will enter the bar in a john Travolta Saturday night fever suit and proceed to dance the entire night and I can only imagine that he’s replaying scenes from Saturday night fever unlike the reality which is he’s alone on the dance floor with a broke disco ball above.