What not to do in a Fight

-Dress inappropriately for the fight: this comes from my eyewitness account where two very drunk men one a gingerbread man and the other giant banana began fighting after a night out which to be honest did take a lot of the tough guy image out of it but this is not how the police saw it as they tackled them to the ground. I would pay a lot of money to have a copy of the mug shots.

-Walking away whilst still being a dick: if you are the one provoking it and then realizing that you’d probably get beaten up you should just walk away quietly rather than shouting insults which contradict your actions such as seeing a man walk backwards arms spread wide ready for a fight still saying “come on then!” and seeing this continue for roughly 30 metres.

Don’t keep dancing: If someone feels that they’ve been wronged by you in someway and are intoxicated they’re probably going to start shouting at you the problem with this is that in clubs the music is exceedingly loud and so if you see a man with angry features mouthing angry words its best not to lean in and say “sorry mate I can’t hear you” and then carry on dancing next to him.  

People to avoid in Bars

I’m not saying that the drinking culture is a bad thing as I believe that it brings people together in a society which can at times suppress raw human feelings. But bars and pubs on the face of it are nonsensical where people gather to drink pint after pint of alcohol to intoxicate them beyond a reasonable doubt and then stagger around running through every possible human emotion one after the other in quick succession whilst mumbling lyrics to Queen. But for me this is what makes pubs and bars such a valued place in society as you truly get to see the human condition for all its faults and glory.

-Two clear drug addicts which we managed to calm down by talking about the differences between sashimi and sushi even though I thought this is possibly the most neutral conversation anyone could ever have when they spoke they would become angrier and angrier by the end of each sentence.

-A man with the word “Pikey” tattooed across the back of his neck a man who’s eyes completely glaze over when you reply to anything he says

-A man who for some reason everyone assumes is a fisherman even though nobody has ever had any reason for him to be apart from wearing all tweed who has never, possibly refuses to speak to me instead simply laughing every time he sees me which I have to say is doing nothing for my self esteem.

-A man who believed elephant and castle was called that because Genghis Kahn marched an elephant up to a castle, which was there.

-Beautiful Italian girl who commented on a friend of mine who has dreds calling him a Rasta man and in a drunken state I called her Fitler and from that point on it is the only way we have ever referred to her being both overwhelmed by her sheer beauty whilst appalled by her stance on race.  

-A man who will enter the bar in a john Travolta Saturday night fever suit and proceed to dance the entire night and I can only imagine that he’s replaying scenes from Saturday night fever unlike the reality which is he’s alone on the dance floor with a broke disco ball above.

A Prologue to a Poor Black Comedy

  I am an exceedingly average person dark brown hair, brown eyes and unattached ear lobes all domintant genes and all very average. Although one "quality" I do possess is the ablity to say just the wrong thing at just the wrong time to maximise the insult and injury to everyone involved. Whilst this makes for enjoyable light reading and possible humour it does nothing for my interpersonal relationships. So enjoy......someone should. Also if you're finding this through the internet I'm actually using this to write video ideas for my youtube channel so you might be looking at vague transcripts of things I'm going to film http://www.youtube.com/user/Chris2Frost. Again enjoy.

Avoiding technology

 What not to do with technology

~Don't pretend to text because the worst thing will happen to you and that is you will get a text through whilst pretending to text this also applies to calls.

~Don't buy a second hand xbox as you can almost guarantee as soon as a volt of electricity hits it a rrod will be arriving shortly after.

~Never call a computer helpline as these are the least helpful people in the world. Just getting them to type in your name and address you have to know the NATO phonetic alphabet and even then mistakes are made you will also become familar with the entire works of Phil Collins due to the amount you'll be on hold.

Avoiding University Faux pas

 What not to do at University

~Never tell anyone your birthday especially at university because the term "dirty" cannot grasp how dirty drunk people can make a dirty pint. It can't even be given the term drink after certain things have been added and instead has to be renamed cesspool in a pint.

~Drinking in university is a key part to being the stereotypical student and to an extent it does help it can create friendships, relationships and networks of possible contacts for future endeavours and before I'm quoted on promoting a health risk putting all that aside it is a good bonding catalyst but there are of course limits such as becoming so drunk that even some cushions on your head will feel like you're a 100,000 ft under the ground and so you have to lie in wait for motor skills to return.

What not to do to in the outside world

 How not to interact with other people

~Never scare the person who usually scares you this is if you have siblings especially. There is always a dynamic between brothers and that can be seen through the scarer scaree if you will. The older sibling will always be the one scaring the younger sibling and if this dynamic tries to be overturned there is a self correcting mechanism built in which is usually a pint of liquid being thrown in your face due to the hunter becoming the hunted. And this is all i shall say on the matter.

~Never joke with a mcdonalds employee or infact anyone who has anything you want especially if you're like me which is someone who doesn't always know when to stop and will probably take it too far. And to this day I'm still too scared to go into a certain macdonalds in case I get a little extra with a big mac meal.

~Never fall asleep on public transport because unlike a bedroom which has the luxury of solidarity and privacy public transport has not yet given us this...budget cuts....and this anecdote begins with me travelling to college after a late night working and as the passing scenery falls into an impressionists painting and eyelids beginning to bow i fall into a slumber making the most of  four chairs and while this may seem quiet innocent waking up is always a problem especially when you have inadvertently rolled into a persons face and effectively started a process which can only be described as face spooning. The worst part was the middle aged overweight bussinessman didn't seem to bothered it may have been one of three reasons: The reservation still present in England, The loneliness of the 21st century or he was a man with strange fetishes.

When you're not plural

 What not to do when you're single

~Never buy a cat because your single because it will become your furry contract signing away any hope of love. Cases this applies most to are women in their late 30s who are single.

~Never eat alone in a resturant. Having both mocked and par taken in this event I feel I have a fairly rounded view of this situation there is only so long you can pretend to text and the pityful gaze from a waitress pierces any string of dignity you might have.

~Facebook stalk a previous lover/interest/stranger It is a brave new world we live in and we're all slowly but surely being connected to each other and this is of course like most things a double edged sword because all communication between someone half way around the world is now instant and makes life just that bit easier. But there are two downfalls. Firstly we are becoming aware of how peculiar some people are and that slightly scares me. Secondly we now can't escape a past simply by not talking to someone anymore because of the terrible addiction called facebook...we're caught up in social protocal of having to add friends who aren't really friends simply people you know. And not wanting to offend anyone you accept them and from there you are tied into a contract of pokes,farmville and posts....you cannot escape. It truly is a brave new world

What not to do when someone has just broken up with a partner/husband/wife/animal

-When replying to their outburst of emotion where they tell you they've broken up with their other half DO NOT stand there in an awkward silence before proceeding to pat them on the shoulder and offer them comfort by saying the words ''My condolences'' because apparently this is out of context and should only be used if someones dead. Also try not to bow slightly whilst saying those dreaded words.

-If a person has just broken up with a boyfriend right in front of you there is a window of opportunity in which you are able to move in. This window does not open as soon as he walks away, even when you lay your cards on the table that you have a still valid 2 for 1 Orange Wednesdays offer.

-Offer them advice on staying strong and getting back in the game which inevitably goes off on a tangent concluding with them hypothetically dying of loneliness.