Wednesday, 18 May 2011
A Prologue to a Poor Black Comedy
I am an exceedingly average person dark brown hair, brown eyes and unattached ear lobes all domintant genes and all very average. Although one "quality" I do possess is the ablity to say just the wrong thing at just the wrong time to maximise the insult and injury to everyone involved. Whilst this makes for enjoyable light reading and possible humour it does nothing for my interpersonal relationships. So enjoy......someone should. Also if you're finding this through the internet I'm actually using this to write video ideas for my youtube channel so you might be looking at vague transcripts of things I'm going to film http://www.youtube.com/user/Chris2Frost. Again enjoy.
Avoiding technology
What not to do with technology
~Don't buy a second hand xbox as you can almost guarantee as soon as a volt of electricity hits it a rrod will be arriving shortly after.
~Never call a computer helpline as these are the least helpful people in the world. Just getting them to type in your name and address you have to know the NATO phonetic alphabet and even then mistakes are made you will also become familar with the entire works of Phil Collins due to the amount you'll be on hold.
Avoiding University Faux pas
What not to do at University
~Never tell anyone your birthday especially at university because the term "dirty" cannot grasp how dirty drunk people can make a dirty pint. It can't even be given the term drink after certain things have been added and instead has to be renamed cesspool in a pint.
~Drinking in university is a key part to being the stereotypical student and to an extent it does help it can create friendships, relationships and networks of possible contacts for future endeavours and before I'm quoted on promoting a health risk putting all that aside it is a good bonding catalyst but there are of course limits such as becoming so drunk that even some cushions on your head will feel like you're a 100,000 ft under the ground and so you have to lie in wait for motor skills to return.
~Never tell anyone your birthday especially at university because the term "dirty" cannot grasp how dirty drunk people can make a dirty pint. It can't even be given the term drink after certain things have been added and instead has to be renamed cesspool in a pint.
~Drinking in university is a key part to being the stereotypical student and to an extent it does help it can create friendships, relationships and networks of possible contacts for future endeavours and before I'm quoted on promoting a health risk putting all that aside it is a good bonding catalyst but there are of course limits such as becoming so drunk that even some cushions on your head will feel like you're a 100,000 ft under the ground and so you have to lie in wait for motor skills to return.
What not to do to in the outside world
How not to interact with other people
~Never scare the person who usually scares you this is if you have siblings especially. There is always a dynamic between brothers and that can be seen through the scarer scaree if you will. The older sibling will always be the one scaring the younger sibling and if this dynamic tries to be overturned there is a self correcting mechanism built in which is usually a pint of liquid being thrown in your face due to the hunter becoming the hunted. And this is all i shall say on the matter.
~Never joke with a mcdonalds employee or infact anyone who has anything you want especially if you're like me which is someone who doesn't always know when to stop and will probably take it too far. And to this day I'm still too scared to go into a certain macdonalds in case I get a little extra with a big mac meal.
~Never fall asleep on public transport because unlike a bedroom which has the luxury of solidarity and privacy public transport has not yet given us this...budget cuts....and this anecdote begins with me travelling to college after a late night working and as the passing scenery falls into an impressionists painting and eyelids beginning to bow i fall into a slumber making the most of four chairs and while this may seem quiet innocent waking up is always a problem especially when you have inadvertently rolled into a persons face and effectively started a process which can only be described as face spooning. The worst part was the middle aged overweight bussinessman didn't seem to bothered it may have been one of three reasons: The reservation still present in England, The loneliness of the 21st century or he was a man with strange fetishes.
When you're not plural
What not to do when you're single
~Never buy a cat because your single because it will become your furry contract signing away any hope of love. Cases this applies most to are women in their late 30s who are single.
~Never eat alone in a resturant. Having both mocked and par taken in this event I feel I have a fairly rounded view of this situation there is only so long you can pretend to text and the pityful gaze from a waitress pierces any string of dignity you might have.
~Facebook stalk a previous lover/interest/stranger It is a brave new world we live in and we're all slowly but surely being connected to each other and this is of course like most things a double edged sword because all communication between someone half way around the world is now instant and makes life just that bit easier. But there are two downfalls. Firstly we are becoming aware of how peculiar some people are and that slightly scares me. Secondly we now can't escape a past simply by not talking to someone anymore because of the terrible addiction called facebook...we're caught up in social protocal of having to add friends who aren't really friends simply people you know. And not wanting to offend anyone you accept them and from there you are tied into a contract of pokes,farmville and posts....you cannot escape. It truly is a brave new world
~Never buy a cat because your single because it will become your furry contract signing away any hope of love. Cases this applies most to are women in their late 30s who are single.
~Never eat alone in a resturant. Having both mocked and par taken in this event I feel I have a fairly rounded view of this situation there is only so long you can pretend to text and the pityful gaze from a waitress pierces any string of dignity you might have.
~Facebook stalk a previous lover/interest/stranger It is a brave new world we live in and we're all slowly but surely being connected to each other and this is of course like most things a double edged sword because all communication between someone half way around the world is now instant and makes life just that bit easier. But there are two downfalls. Firstly we are becoming aware of how peculiar some people are and that slightly scares me. Secondly we now can't escape a past simply by not talking to someone anymore because of the terrible addiction called facebook...we're caught up in social protocal of having to add friends who aren't really friends simply people you know. And not wanting to offend anyone you accept them and from there you are tied into a contract of pokes,farmville and posts....you cannot escape. It truly is a brave new world
What not to do when someone has just broken up with a partner/husband/wife/animal
-When replying to their outburst of emotion where they tell you they've broken up with their other half DO NOT stand there in an awkward silence before proceeding to pat them on the shoulder and offer them comfort by saying the words ''My condolences'' because apparently this is out of context and should only be used if someones dead. Also try not to bow slightly whilst saying those dreaded words.
-If a person has just broken up with a boyfriend right in front of you there is a window of opportunity in which you are able to move in. This window does not open as soon as he walks away, even when you lay your cards on the table that you have a still valid 2 for 1 Orange Wednesdays offer.
-Offer them advice on staying strong and getting back in the game which inevitably goes off on a tangent concluding with them hypothetically dying of loneliness.
Common youtube pitfalls
What not to do on Youtube
~Never watch expert village because all that is offered are half baked explanations from people who's heart is in the right place but the label of being an expert has gone to their head.
~Never put a ''talent'' on the internet if it hasn't been validated by someone from the real world.This is because the internet is not like the real world where if you experience something you don't like you can simply walk away or voice an opinion in a relatively calm manner taking other peoples feelings into consideration. Unlike the internet which is effectively the wild west where you can shout abuse at each other and generally say whatever you want and if you're really annoyed you can put it in captials just so everyone else knows how angered you are!
~Come up with something original-ish. Now of course nothing is truly original as we stand on the shoulders of giants but try to be your own person. Evidence that people go against this "mantra" is all over youtube and all you have to do is look at big youtubers for example charlieissocoollike talented youtuber gaining over a million views regularly and having a strong fanbase but looking through the comments on any given video you will find similar usernames such as gillyisalsosocoollike etc and from there videos which follow the same format right down to the pace and tone of speaking. Rant over.
~Never watch expert village because all that is offered are half baked explanations from people who's heart is in the right place but the label of being an expert has gone to their head.
~Never put a ''talent'' on the internet if it hasn't been validated by someone from the real world.This is because the internet is not like the real world where if you experience something you don't like you can simply walk away or voice an opinion in a relatively calm manner taking other peoples feelings into consideration. Unlike the internet which is effectively the wild west where you can shout abuse at each other and generally say whatever you want and if you're really annoyed you can put it in captials just so everyone else knows how angered you are!
~Come up with something original-ish. Now of course nothing is truly original as we stand on the shoulders of giants but try to be your own person. Evidence that people go against this "mantra" is all over youtube and all you have to do is look at big youtubers for example charlieissocoollike talented youtuber gaining over a million views regularly and having a strong fanbase but looking through the comments on any given video you will find similar usernames such as gillyisalsosocoollike etc and from there videos which follow the same format right down to the pace and tone of speaking. Rant over.
What not to do when encountering a breakup-ee
What not to do when someone has just broken up with a partner/husband/wife/animal
-When replying to their outburst of emotion where they tell you they've broken up with their other half DO NOT stand there in an awkward silence before proceeding to pat them on the shoulder and offer them comfort by saying the words ''My condolences'' because apparently this is out of context and should only be used if someones dead. Also try not to bow slightly whilst saying those dreaded words. .
-If a person has just broken up with a boyfriend right in front of you there is a window of opportunity in which you are able to move in. This window does not open as soon as he walks away, even when you lay your cards on the table that you have a still valid 2 for 1 Orange Wednesdays offer.
-Offer them advice on staying strong and getting back in the game which inevitably goes off on a tangent concluding with them hypothetically dying of loneliness.
When attempting to walk
What not to do when walking
~When walking down a road a highly attractive group of ladies may walk past so of course, put your game face on but always watch out for insects because from personal experience a wasp may fly into your face and you might have to pretend that you're some sort of spontaneous runner/jumper/tourette sufferer.
~If you fall over you have three options none of which can regain your coolness but none the less here they are
-Cry but bare in mind this will only work if you are between the 1-5 years old
-Pretend this fall wasn't a fall yet in fact a nu-wave aerobic move to pick something up but make sure there is infact something to pick up which can be explained away.
-Style it out get up and put the John "failsafe" Travolta strut on
~"The Cool Guy Spit" having never done it might self I'm unsure of just how cool you become but I've seen it go terribly wrong in which a man simply dribbled over himself.
~When walking down a road a highly attractive group of ladies may walk past so of course, put your game face on but always watch out for insects because from personal experience a wasp may fly into your face and you might have to pretend that you're some sort of spontaneous runner/jumper/tourette sufferer.
~If you fall over you have three options none of which can regain your coolness but none the less here they are
-Cry but bare in mind this will only work if you are between the 1-5 years old
-Pretend this fall wasn't a fall yet in fact a nu-wave aerobic move to pick something up but make sure there is infact something to pick up which can be explained away.
-Style it out get up and put the John "failsafe" Travolta strut on
~"The Cool Guy Spit" having never done it might self I'm unsure of just how cool you become but I've seen it go terribly wrong in which a man simply dribbled over himself.
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